March 14, 2020

The first point to remember is that ‘calm’ is not the natural state for human beings at the best of times.  So whenever you feel stressed you can cheer yourself up by remembering natural selection has no love for calm people. Our well-developed fight/flight response only exists because it kept our ancestors away from danger.  Cavemen survived because they were afraid of pretty much everything and instantly reacted to perceived threats, including whenever the toilet paper ran low.

So, how can we override our brain’s default anxiety in the face of a real problem like COVID-19?

Firstly, focus on the temporary nature of the pandemic. Our anxious brain is quick to assume bad events are going to be permanent.  Sometimes this is accurate. For example, a disability is a permanent bad event.  But most stressful events, such as unemployment, a painful separation, changing jobs etc. are only temporary. Studies show that people who focus on the temporary nature of such bad events enjoy more resilience, and better physical and mental health.  So don’t let your brain tell you what’s permanent. Think for yourself! Even the dreaded Spanish flu, which decimated populations around the world before modern vaccines and antiviral drugs, only lasted one year.  Like SARS and Swine flu, this too shall pass,- leaving some people with a great deal of toilet paper. 

Secondly, don’t let your brain tell you the pandemic impacts each and every aspect of your life. In general, we have more resilience when we can see our problems as contained to one specific area of our life, rather than spilling over into unrelated areas. So, yes, I’m crossing my fingers that I don’t get sick (makes hand washing tricky). But if I do get sick it will only impact certain parts of my life. It won’t stop me reading my book, working from home, enjoying a cabernet sauvignon, and feeling superior to people who watch MAFS. 

Thirdly, practice gratitude. I, and everyone I know, is currently healthy. I know it and I’m grateful for it.  My work and my finances are going to take a hit, and I’ll miss the footy. And something’s happening to my superannuation which I never fully understand anyway.  But I also live in a country with a first-class health system.  Autumn is simply beautiful. I have a roof over my head (with or without toilet paper). No one is going hungry. I value my family and friends. I am still allowed to set my own goals and learn from my mistakes. 

Make gratitude a deliberate practice by counting five blessings every day, and you will find it is good for the soul.

We can also be grateful for the heroes that are emerging. While our political leaders have not exactly covered themselves in glory, scientists from the Peter Doherty Institute in Melbourne were the first to grow the COVID-19 in a cell culture. This is now helping laboratories around the world to combat the virus.

Even better are the ordinary heroes, like the meals on wheels volunteers delivering supplies to elderly people.  Allow this to lift your heart, and your mood and your immune system will follow. 

Finally, its almost impossible to feel lousy while being kind, or being of service to others. So if you know someone with a pre-existing health issue that increases their risk or their isolation, ask if they need anything. Perform an act of kindness and your own anxiety is soon forgotten.

So what did we learn?  To summarise, a pandemic such as COVID-19 sucks. But despite what your anxious brain tells you, remember to remember…

1) This too shall pass.

2) It only impacts some parts of your life.  

3) …and meanwhile, gratitude and kindness cost nothing. 

March 4, 2020

Men’s violence against women demands a proper explanation. We can do better than ‘men are driven to it.’

How do we predict men’s violence towards women?

Typically, the discussion around men’s violence centres around social factors such as respect for women, men’s entitlement, responses by law enforcement and media reporting. That discussion is helpful, in that, it provides the broader context in which violence is enabled.  

However, that discussion does not predict individual cases of risk.  Almost half of marriages in Australia end in separation or divorce, often without issues of control or violence. So how can we predict who will be at risk? How can we, as citizens, look out for each other?

Consider two individual men. One has a strong sense of identity, or to use a technical phrase, strong ego formation. This means he has a well-developed sense of who he is- as an independent, stand-on-your-own two feet, individual. And because he is clear on his identity, he can see the line in the sand where his personality stops, and the next person’s personality begins.  

With these clear boundaries there is room in the relationship to accommodate both people’s different opinions and personality traits.  Just as good fences make good neighbours, in healthy relationships two people can disagree without needing to change or control each other.  They can live and let live.  In such healthy relationships intimacy can be defined as sharing who you are with another person. Not possessing the other person.

Compare this to a man whose sense of self is less established, or unstable, or enmeshed. Without the same boundaries he views his partner as an extension of himself, and so he needs her to behave like an extension of himself.  Any displays of independence, real or imagined, are experienced as defiance or abandonment. So he clings, controls and dominates.  What appears as toxic masculinity is really toxic insecurity. 

On the plus side, knowing this helps us to look out for each other. 

Do you know a woman who used to enjoy catching up with family or friends, but in her current relationship she no longer seems free to?  That’s a red flag. 

Is she free to make her own plans or spend her own money, or does she need permission first? Does she keep small issues from her partner as if to avoid rocking the boat? Is she peppered with calls or texts, as if someone is keeping tabs? Is she cautious with social media as if her devices are being monitored?

These signs of control are helpful in predicting the risk of violence, which escalates upon leaving, or preparing to leave the relationship. In contrast, simply saying ‘men are driven to violence’ has little or no predictive value. It does not flag individual cases of risk. It’s also a slur against the vast majority of good men, most of whom could be driven and driven, while never in a million years reaching some final destination where they harm their own children or partner. 

Moreover, the ‘driven’ narrative promotes a toxic victimhood in men. In 25 years as a psychologist I have never seen anyone’s mental wellbeing improve because they were encouraged to ‘play the victim’. Every time we say ‘poor me’ we rehash hurtful events, like playing a video over and over in our mind. Except that every time we replay those events our own actions become more righteous, while the other person is more at fault.  Men’s advocates (and armchair therapists) who encourage men, already in pain, to embrace a sense of victimhood instead of personal agency, do harm.  

So, what’s the message to men?  Whenever we are in pain a good start is always your own GP, or the various men’s helplines. 

But if you are up for some tough love, here it is. 

If your relationship is ending, that’s painful. It’s a form of grief. There are no shortcuts. It is going to hurt for some time. But remember this. Before you entered that relationship, you were a complete, stand-on-your-own two feet grown up; and you remain one coming out the other end.  It’s time to re-connect with that sense of yourself as a complete person, however tenuous that feels right now.  You are enough. Then, you put on your big boy pants, you take the lessons from that relationship, and you move on with the next chapter of your life. You get to share who you are, again.  

And just as you are a complete person with a new chapter ahead of you, so too are your partner and your kids. Remember the boundaries. They too are their own people, with their own lives ahead.  They were never actually a part of you or yours to use in a game of control. 

Resources.

Mensline Australia is a professional telephone and online support and information service. Available 24 hours. Call 1300 78 99 78.

18800RESPECT Call 1800 737 732  is a national sexual assault, family and domestic violence line.  Available 24 hours.

Kids Help Line is a free, private and confidential, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged between 5 and 25 in Australia. Call 1800 551 800.

January 18, 2020

Bushfires, positive psychology, self care, and trauma.

When does stress become harmful?

Consider how the accelerator of your car works. When you need extra speed you step on the gas, no problem. But if you drive at high speed all the time your engine will burn out. 

We too are designed for short term adrenaline.  When a sabre-toothed tiger wanted to eat one of our ancestors they stepped on the gas.  But we lose more sleep over threats that remain constant or occur outside our normal experience. Scientists call this ‘allostatic load’, which basically means when stress is allowed to continue and add up it causes harm to our brain and body.  In short, we need to find a way of stepping off the gas.

Front line organisations such as The Australian Red Cross have published hard won guidelines for Psychological First Aid in emergency situations. Here is a summary. 

1. Create safety: Mindfulness works miracles, but it won’t protect you against a bushfire. If you are in an emergency zone, or if smoke is triggering your child’s asthma, your foot remains squarely on the gas. Reducing the immediate threat and accessing basic resources is always the first priority. 

2. Promote calm: Once your basic needs for safety and survival are met, it is possible to start lowering stress. Physical touch, counselling and debriefing, mindfulness, massage, or even helping others in need can all help. Whatever helps to sooth. Gradually bring the tempo down.

3. Connection: Positive connections to friends, loved-ones, professional supports and your local community are powerful resilience factors and a proven tonic for healing. Reach out to those who understand and want the best for you.  If you are in the role of supporting others connect people with their loved-ones or others who have a calming influence.

4. Control: A sense of control increases positive brain chemicals such as serotonin. Find ways to take charge or make a difference, however small.  For example, you can donate.  You can send messages of appreciation to firefighters. You can send your views on climate policy to your local MP. You can plan your next holiday to support an affected region.  

If you are in the role of supporting others find ways to empower them. Involve them in decisions that affect them. Provide real options and respect their choices. Validate their responses as perfectly normal reactions to extraordinary events. And provide hope. 

Note.

In the short term you (or the person you are supporting) may experience changes in sleep, mood or irritability. You may experience flashbacks or strong reactions to things that remind you of the event. If this continues for a month or more after the crisis talk to your GP or allied health professional.

For more information

https://www.redcross.org.au/getmedia/23276bd8-a627-48fe-87c2-5bc6b6b61eec/Psychological-First-Aid-An-Australian-Guide.pdf.aspx

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/bushfires-and-mental-health/

January 1, 2020

Willpower, emotional intelligence and motivation.

First the bad news. Your New Year’s resolutions have already failed. Statistically, your good intentions to lose weight, get fit, save money, or get organised have less than a 5% chance of succeeding in the long-term. Never mind. Better luck next time.

But seriously, there is hope. 

Forget willpower

The first step is to understand that the concept of willpower, while being very popular, is an unhelpful myth. Yes, some people are better at sticking to their goals, but ‘willpower’ is not the reason. 

How do we know?

There are now several studies showing those with good ‘self-control’ have something else working for them other than willpower.  For example, in one German study, researchers monitored 205 people asking them regular questions about their self-control in a given moment, and how many temptations or desires they felt.

The results found those with the most self-control were the same people who reported the least temptations. In other words, they didn’t need willpower; they simply had fewer temptations to begin with.  So if you are trying to quit smoking or lose weight, and you only get a few cravings, you’ll most likely succeed. But if your cravings are stronger you will struggle. The difference is not willpower, so stop beating yourself up for not having any!

Cultivate self-compassion. 

Now the good news. Evidence shows self-compassion, in addition to promoting good mental and physical health, is a secret weapon for sticking with goals. 

In one study with university students, those who expressed self-forgiveness after failing a test were more likely to 1) study harder next time, and 2) achieve higher grades next time. 

In a quirky study with dieters, two groups were asked to eat piles of donuts -all in the name of science!  After eating the donuts, one group were encouraged not to condemn themselves too much. For example, they were reminded that ‘we all like to indulge on occasion’. The second group received no such prompting to go easy on themselves. 

Both groups were then asked to act as judges in a candy judging contest. As official ‘candy judges’ they were invited to eat as much as necessary to ensure their ratings were accurate!  In other words, an open invitation to binge. Interestingly, the subjects in group one, – the ones previously encouraged to be kind to themselves, consumed only half as much candy as the subjects in group two. 

These studies show that self-compassion, more than willpower, is the real key to sticking to your goals. So when you miss a gym session, or break your diet, or get rejected in a job interview, or your house is a mess once again remember to be forgiving and kind to yourself.  Nobody’s perfect and that includes you.  With self-compassion you will bounce back faster and succeed in the long run. You will also be happier and healthier overall. 

 Some final thoughts on self-compassion.

The universe, in its wisdom, has already provided people to judge you.  You don’t need to join them.  

If you really must judge yourself, never judge yourself more harshly than you would judge a friend who had made a similar slip. 

References

Adams, C., & Leary, M. (2007). Promoting Self–Compassionate Attitudes Toward Eating Among Restrictive and Guilty Eaters. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 26(10), 1120-1144.

Hofmann, W, et.al. (2012). Everyday Temptations: An experience sampling study of desire, conflict, and self-control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(6), 1318–1335.

October 1, 2019

Mental health, emotional intelligence and positive psychology.

Why is happiness so hard?

Here’s a question: Which early humans survived the dangers of the stone age and the ice age? The one’s who feared danger and worried about the weather and food? Or the ones who relaxed and thought “she’ll be right!”

The fact is happy brains don’t survive hard times.  In a world of scarce food and hostile animals, natural selection prefers we worry, avoid danger and stay in our comfort zone.  Those who managed to survive had the most highly developed fight/flight response to keep them on their toes. They experienced more anxiety, fear and worry, then passed their genes on to us.  Lucky us!

Worse still, our ancestors didn’t just worry about physical danger. They also feared being rejected by the group. If you’re a hunter-gatherer, and you get rejected by your tribe, you will starve to death. Even if you do survive you will be without a mate, so your genes will still die with you. Those who remained in the gene pool were those who feared, not only physical danger, but what others might think about them. The term ‘Homo sapien’ makes us sound very sophisticated, but we are really ‘Homo-scaredy-cats’

Fortunately for us, today we enjoy our comfortable homes and plentiful food. There are very few sabre tooth tigers trying to eat us. And yet we don’t relax. Our brains remain hard wired for more dangerous times and don’t switch off. We worry about work deadlines, social events, job interviews, setting new goals or trying new experiences. Are we attractive enough? Do we fit in? How many ‘likes’ have I got? We live in relative safety, but our primitive brains are ready for negativity from the moment we wake up each morning. 

Smarter than your brain?

Your happiness and mental wellbeing are far too important to leave to your brain. Brains are good at survival, but care very little about happiness and wellbeing.  If you really want to be happier you need to take more charge – to be more ‘hands on.’ You need to be smarter than your brain, to manage it and be one step ahead of it.

Two decades of positive psychology research have identified proven ways to turn our brains away from default negativity towards happiness.  With a little effort we can increase happiness, motivation, self-confidence and life satisfaction. We can also fight anxiety and depression.

Here’s a ‘best of’ list of strategies to get you started.  Try a different one each week.

1. Each day make a list of five things you are grateful for. 
2. Identify your strengths and use them more often
3. Spend more time with those who want the best for you.
4. Talk back to your own negative self-talk (like a tennis player disputing a bad call).
5. Spend your money on experiences rather than more stuff.
6. Judge yourself by standards no higher than those you apply to others. 
7. And practice a little regular mindfulness. 

Remember, you aren’t in competition with other people. You don’t need to be the smartest person in the room. You only need to be smarter than your own brain; then suddenly everything is easier. 

Your brain doesn’t care about your happiness, so we’re not asking it. 

What to know more? Attend our EQ Magic; Emotional Intelligence Masterclass.

https://braddesmondassociates.com.au/eq-magic

References and further reading

Russ Harris.  The happiness trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston

Martin Seligman.  Authentic Happiness : using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillment. New York: Free Press.

June 7, 2019

How do self care self-care and motivation link to positive psychology?

To state the obvious, work can be damned stressful. And when we think about relaxing after work and recharging our batteries, we usually think of doing something kind for ourselves. In fact, many well-meaning bosses now encourage their employees to practice self-care.  

But is this the best advice?

Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky at the University of California has conducted several studies into what works, and what doesn’t work in self-care.

In one study, a group of employees were instructed to perform regular acts of self-care over a period of four weeks. Examples included treating oneself to a massage or buying a special lunch. 

A second group were instructed to perform acts of kindness for other individuals over the same time period.  

After the four weeks those who showed kindness toward others were more than two times happier than the self-care group. In fact, the difference between the groups was evident at a midpoint assessment (after two weeks) and continued to the end of the study. 

To be clear, self-care is still important. In the study both groups still did better than a control group who practiced business-as-usual. However, if you really want to maximize self-care, there’s more impact in making someone else happy. 

Another self-care myth is that we can recharge our batteries by ‘chilling out’ or taking it easy after work. 

Broadly speaking there are two distinct types of after work activities.  The first are the ‘chill-out’ activities that allow us to mentally and physically detach from the world.  These activities, such as a warm bath or sitting in front of a screen help us to disengage and escape from stress. 

The second type are the activities that involve more engagement and participation. These include reading, enjoying hobbies, going to the gym, practicing a skill, learning something new, or cooking;- anything that you find stimulating and fulfilling. These activities promote a sense of engagement and, most importantly, they promote a sense of mastery.

Professor Sharon Parker at Curtin University has been comparing these two kinds of activities, with the results now published in the Journal of Applied Psychology.  It seems people who spend their evenings enjoying a sense of engagement and mastery, are more likely to feel motivated and capable as they head into work the following day. They also sleep better and report feeling more inspired and happier about work. In contrast, those who spend their evenings detached and distancing themselves from the world do not have these benefits. 

Importantly, this study also found simply being empowered to choose for ourselves how we spend our free time further predicted the above benefits (especially if our choices favour experiences of mastery).  

So, if you do something after work that is your own choice (one form of mastery) and if that choice involves something you find stimulating and engaging (more mastery) you will sleep better, have less stress and hit the ground running the next day.

Key message. 

Its tempting to chill-out after work. But it’s better to engage in something that makes you feel more alive (especially if the activity is your choice). 

It’s intuitive to practice self-care. But there’s more impact in making someone else happy. 

                                            “Oh great.  Now you tell me!”

 Burnout, a final note

There will always be those occasions when, after a particularly long day, the only thing we want to do is collapse on the couch.  If this happens on occasion, and you are still sleeping at night, you are probably coping. But if it is happening more often and your sleep is being affected it’s time to talk to your health professional. Stress and burnout are genuine concerns and ‘soldiering on’ has its limits. 

References

Layous, K., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2014). The how, why, what, when, and who of happiness: Mechanisms underlying the success of positive activity interventions. Positive emotion: Integrating the light sides and dark sides, 473-495.

Nelson, S. K., Layous, K., Cole, S. W., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2016). Do unto others or treat yourself? The effects of prosocial and self-focused behavior on psychological flourishing. Emotion, 16(6), 850.

Ouyang, K., Cheng, B., Lam, W., & Parker, S. (2019). Enjoy Your Evening, Be Proactive Tomorrow: How Off-Job Experiences Shape Daily Proactivity. Journal of Applied Psychology. 10.1037.

May 1, 2019

The idea that certain foods can make us happy is instantly familiar.

For some it’s the comfort of our favourite junk food. For others it’s the sugar hit of ice cream or chocolate. What could be better than cheering ourselves up with a favourite treat? 

By now you’re thinking the obvious,- don’t we pay a high price for a fast sugar hit?  Doesn’t our mood spike, then plummet again?  Aren’t we left with an inner voice telling us we’re a big fat pig?  Surely eating to feel good is an obvious trap, right?

Not so fast. Recent research is changing the way we think about food and mental health. 

Welcome to your microbiome.

For many years the digestive system was considered one of the simplest systems in the human body. After all, what’s complicated about a long tube for digesting food and excreting waste?

However, recent advances in DNA technology have discovered the gut is far more important. Deep in your gut, billions of microorganisms are working to keep you healthy. This includes ‘good’ bacteria helping digestion, supporting your immune system, promoting physical health, and producing key nutrients that we can’t produce ourselves. But it also includes ‘bad’ bacteria linked to poor immunity, endocrine disorders, weight gain, autoimmune diseases, and cancer. Moreover, gut health has now been directly liked to mental health. 

Everything you eat and drink is feeding either the good bacteria or the bad bacteria. The bad bacteria thrive on the sugar and unhealthy fats that are everywhere in our modern diets. They especially love junk food. And, as they multiply, they demand more and more – something we experience as cravings. This is why a poor diet actually increases cravings for more of the wrong foods. 

In contrast, diets such as the Mediterranean diet, which is high in plant-based foods (fruits and vegetables), whole grains, legumes, fish, good fats (e.g. olive oil, avocado) and small amounts of red meat promote good bacteria and are linked to better physical and mental health.

Can better food strengthen mental health?

The world’s leading research into food and mental health has been conducted by Professor Felice Jacka; head of the Food and Mood Centre at Deakin University,  and president of the International Society for Nutritional Psychiatry. 

Researchers have known for some time that a healthy diet is associated with positive mood.  However, Professor Jacka has conducted the first ever clinical trials to see if switching diets can improve the mental health of people experiencing depression. 

The ‘Smiles study’ (Supporting Modification of lifestyle in Lowered Emotional States) recruited 67 people experiencing depression, and randomly allocated them into two groups. One group attended seven sessions with a dietitian who placed them on the Mediterranean diet. The control group received friendly conversation sessions with no dietary advice. After 12 weeks, those on the Mediterranean diet were significantly less depressed compared to the control group.

Professor Felice Jacka

More recently these findings were replicated in a study at the University of South Australia;- the HELFIMED study. This study allocated 150 depressed participants to either Mediterranean diet cooking classes, or a control who participated in social activities with no dietary advice. As expected, both groups improved their symptoms, as social connectedness is already known to support mental health. However, the Mediterranean cooking class group showed significantly more improvement. Also, those participants who made the biggest improvements in their diets achieved the biggest improvements in their mental health.  

Costs

These studies monitored the affordability of the changes in the participants’ diets.  The participants in the SMILES study spent $26 less per week on food and drink than previously.

Dose sensitive

In both studies the improvements were dose sensitive. This means participants who only made small improvements in their diets still had some small benefits. While those who made biggest improvements enjoyed the biggest benefits. So no excuses! Instead of thinking ‘it’s all too hard’ remember even small changes to your diet will produces at least some improvement in your physical and mental wellbeing.

Putting it all together

1. Starve the bad ones.

The more you feed a stray cat, the more it hangs around. Bad bacteria thrive of junk food and processed food. If you cut down the supply of sugars and fats you will reduce their numbers, thus reducing the cravings they produce.

2. Feed the good ones. 

Increase good bacteria by eating more whole plant foods such as fruits, vegetables, legumes, and whole grains. Investigate the Mediterranean diet.

3. Think diversity.

Diversity does not mean a large bucket of carrots. Include small amounts of many different plant-based foods. A healthy microbiome is like a tropical rainforest. The healthier the environment, the more diversity of species. Diversity supports wellbeing and prevents bad bacteria from dominating. Like a noisy group of children playing together, the bigger the group the harder it is for noisy individuals to dominate all the attention.

References and further reading

1.  Michael Mosley. The Clever Guts Diet. (2018). Simon & Schuster

2. Felice Jacka. Brain Changer; Good Mental Health Diet. (2019). Booktopia.

3. Jacka, F.N., O’Neil. A. et.al. (2017). A randomized controlled trial of dietary improvement for adults with major depression l) BMC Medicine. 15:23

4. Lassale. C., Batty, G.D. et.al. (2018) Healthy dietary indices and risk of depressive outcomes: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Mol Psychiatry. Sep 26. positive psychology

February 14, 2019

Business professor Adam Grant has shown, through a series of innovative experiments, that simple five-minute interventions can have a lasting impact on team motivation and engagement.

For example, working with call centre staff employed to seek donations for university scholarships, professor Grant arranged for one team to meet with a real-life beneficiary of a scholarship. The meeting was only five minutes long.  Just long enough to put a face to a name. 

This team went on to raise three times more money and record consistently longer and more engaged conversations with potential donors, compared to control groups.  They also showed more loyalty and lower staff turnover.

This finding has been replicated in studies where teams simply read case histories of satisfied customers. Case histories are far easier to arrange than face to face meetings, however the impact on motivation is the same. 

It seems motivation increases when people can see their efforts make a clear  difference in the lives of real people. Leaders who understand this can find innovative ways to showcase examples of good practice and satisfied customers. 

For example, 

*Instead of only collecting client complaints, begin a ‘compliment’s register’ and display the highlights.

*Ensure newsletters, or emails from senior management include specific examples of positive client feedback.   

*Begin regular team meetings with a standing agenda item inviting staff to share examples of a ‘win’ they have had with a client.

You get the idea; get thinking! 

January 4, 2019

About five years ago I stopped using the usual ‘ice-breaker’ exercises to kick off training workshops. I found it was a better use of time to simply ask people what they hoped to gain from a session that was supposed to be about positive teams or advanced coaching skills etc.

To this day it still intrigues me how the same answers keep coming up. 

“I just want my staff to be happy.” 

“I want my team to be more positive and motivated.” 

“We’re going through a lot of change and I want people to feel supported.” 

If your job involves leading people you just want your staff to be happy. You want them to know that you’re one of the ‘good guys’ and you want them to enjoy coming to work and being in your team.  You want them to trust you, to be on the same page and to feel valued. When they are coping with change or stress you want them to appreciate that you want to support them.  And, very occasionally, when they are determined to keep complaining or being negative you wish, under your breath, they would just grow up and get on with it! 

Consider this: 

There is a growing body of evidence that the most powerful way to boost staff satisfaction is to focus, not on correcting people’s weaknesses but on growing people’s strengths. Traditionally managers assume their job is to address problems and weaknesses. But there’s more productivity and job satisfaction to be found by focusing on growing strengths.

In one large study of more than 5000 workers in New Zealand, those who were highly aware of their strengths were nine times more likely to be flourishing at work. And, beyond just knowing their strengths, those workers who reported actively using those strengths at work were 18 times more likely to be flourishing. These kinds of findings are increasingly common and are being found in studies around the world.

Management researcher Marcus Buckingham contrasts the two approaches by comparing checkers with chess.  Checkers is a board game where all the pieces are identical and are moved the same way. However, with chess, the pieces are unique and are moved according to different characteristics.  

While most managers play checkers, great managers play chess. 

So instead of allocating work, task or projects in an orderly manner and treating everyone the same, take the extra minute or so to match tasks to people’s strengths.  Think like a sports coach who puts his or her players in the positions that make the best use of their talents. Remember, we all want to be treated this way, to be known for our ‘good thing.’  So embrace the diversity, quirks and eccentricities of your staff and allocate work accordingly. 

Benefits

As individuals specialise in their areas of strength the overall capacity and repertoire of the team expands.

Job satisfaction increases as people feel they are doing the ‘good thing’ more at work. 

Staff begin to see you as a boss who really gets them.

Trust increases as people realise you’d rather celebrate their talents than catch them out.

References

Marcus Buckingham. Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance. Free Press, New York.

 Hone, L. C., Jarden, A., Duncan, S., & Schofield, G. M. (2015). Flourishing in New Zealand workers: Associations with lifestyle behaviours, physical health, psychosocial, and work-related indicators. Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine, 57(9), 973-983. positive psychology leadership

December 3, 2018

Here’s the unhappy truth about long-term relationships.  Over time, as couples get used to each other, they have less sex.

There I said it. Sad but true. In fact, Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research has found the amount of time two people have been together as a couple is a better predictor of decreased sexual frequency than the chronological age of the people in the relationship.

In his classic book ‘What You Can Change and What You Can’t’ Prof Martin Seligman is even more explicit…

“The sad fact is that the passionate attraction that so consumed them when they first courted dies down as they get to know each other well. In time, it becomes an ember. Often, an ash. (P, 173)”

Seligman uses the term ‘Acedia’ (from the Greek, roughly translated as sloth or neglect) to describe this phenomenon. He argues Acedia, or sexual decline in otherwise healthy couples, should be recognized as an unfortunate and costly disorder that demands more research into understanding and preventing it.

In his book Flourish, while being highly critical of most popular approaches to relationship counseling, Seligman describes Dr. John Gottman as his favorite marriage researcher. Along Sonja Lyubomirsky’s work, here’s a summery of some of the best tips for keeping passion alive.

Partings

In the mornings, as you and your partner are about to go your respective ways for the day, ask about their plans for the day ahead. Find out one noteworthy thing they have planned. is can also be done over social media).

Then, when you catch up at the end of the day remember to ask questions about how it went. This show that you remembered. It shows the person was in your thoughts during the day and that you are more interested in keeping up with the events in their life than following the Kardashians. 

Enhance Your Love Map

Your ‘love map’ describes how much you actually know about your partner. We all like to feel appreciated and understood. We all like to know we are harder to replace than a set of used golf clubs. So how well do you actually know your partner? How would you go being tested on your partner’s favorite music, or favorite movie, their dreams for the future, favorite interests and favorite people? Start by learning more about their likes and dislikes.

Try this:

Think of the most important person in your life. Each week try to find out something new about them. For example…

Who is currently their best friend?

What is their favorite song or TV show?

What is the biggest problem they are they currently facing?

What are their life dreams?

Which relatives do they like or dislike most?

What is the best or the worst thing that happened in their childhood?

What is their favorite holiday destination?

If you do this over time your partner will soon realize there is one person on the planet who truly understands them; – you!

Mix up the kindness.

Traditional relationship approaches advise people to perform acts of kindness.  This works for a while however, the improvement soon becomes the new the new normal and staleness returns.

So shake up your routines. Blend kindness with spontaneity and novelty. Perform acts of kindness, big or small, but remember it can’t be the same act next time. Surprise your partner with ‘kindness ambushes.’

Physical touch

Please remain calm. Touch doesn’t have to be sexual.   The occasional hug, an incidental hand on the arm, a squeeze of the hand. Gently touching your partner’s shoulder as you pass by.

These gestures can be so incidental they go seemingly unnoticed. But they are registered, either consciously or unconsciously. Touch registers in the brain- lowering stress hormones such as cortisol and increasing oxytocin (the cuddle hormone*). Incidental touch builds trust, bonding, and intimacy.

A Take Home Message

Chris Peterson famously said ‘other people matter.’ And yes, I understand your partner leaves their towel on the floor, watches tedious reality TV, spends too much money, snores, embarrasses you in public and thinks your family are morons (be honest, they are).

Well sunshine, none of us are perfect and loneliness is everything it’s cracked up to be.  So unless a relationship contains deal breakers like abuse, infidelity or reality TV there are simple things you can do now to strengthen your relationship.

Take an interest in your partner’s day, learn more about their likes and dislikes, celebrate their good news, mix kindness with spontaneity, and introduce more physical touching. Do all this and let nature take its course (I think ‘Brad’ is an excellent name for a baby). positive psychology